Grief Speaks Blog

Police Officers Driving While Under the Influence...of Grief

2011-01-20T16:07:00.001-08:00

Today, January 20, 2011 was the funeral for a Lakewood, NJ police officer who was killed while in the line of duty. My daughter and I were down in Toms River, a few miles south of Lakewood, for the day visiting my mom's 82 year old cousin, who has lung cancer, and is one of the most inspirational woman I know with an amazing sense of humor and compassion for people.

Since I am a grief counselor and grief educator, grief and loss are probably on my mind a lot more than most. I was supposed to visit my cousin tomorrow but with snow in the forecast I decided to see her today as I didn't want to cancel again due to snow. Hence I don't know how much longer she will be alive. She is my mom's only living relative so I try to see her as often as I can. My mother died 17 years ago, also from lung cancer, and I have learned not to take anyone's life for granted, knowing fully well that there is no guarantee that when we say goodbye in the morning to our family members, that we all will all be home again that evening. I have sat with many grievers and know that accidents and tragedies happen and life as we know it can change in an instant.

After a wonderful visit with my cousin, my daughter and I got on the Garden State Parkway heading north, I began to notice many police cars driving along with us. I was initially alarmed and then realized that they were returning from the funeral. We saw local police cars, state police cars, Sheriff Cars and many unmarked cruisers, and even the federal reserve police. We took note of the town names we spotted which included: Roselle,New Providence, Newark, New York City, North Haledon, Jersey City, Nutley, Bellville, Hudson County, and more. I asked my daughter to take a few photos as it was something I had never seen before.

Then,I began to think about the grief that these officers were experiencing coming from a funeral of a 27 year old officer who was soon to be married. It dawned on me that our bravest men and women were driving under the influence....of grief. At that moment, I wished that I could create a mandatory highway stop up ahead to screen all of the officers for DUIG (Driving While Under the Influence of Grief).

Each officer that was driving, would be stopped and screened for grief. After a few questions and observations, a determination would be made to see how impaired the driver is by their grief. Those exhibiting many signs of grief, instead of giving breathalyzers, would be offered additional aid and comfort which would include: rest, an opportunity to chat for a few minutes or longer, before getting back into the car to return to work or home. They would be given water, as grief can dehydrate the body, coffee, as grief can make one tired, healthy snacks, as grief can diminish the appetite, some Kleenex, a couch to sit upon or even to nap upon, as grief can be exhausting, and some loving listeners who would simply listen to the officers' feelings. No one would force them to talk. Some people are not big talkers but think a lot about their loss. Drivers would learn how important it is to find healthy outlets to express their grief and told to avoid alcohol and other potentially dangerous outlets while grieving, as judgment and concentration is often already impaired. They would also be reminded that many drivers channel their unexpressed grief into road rage.

They may get in touch with some of their feelings of grief which could include anger, sadness, fear, confusion, rage, despair, loneliness and more. They would be given an opportunity to talk about it, even cry if they were able. Many of the officers are male and in our society crying is unfortunately discouraged in boys and men as it tends to be viewed as feminine and weak. Brave public servants have the additional pressure to "keep it together" and "stay strong" for the rest of us. Often their need to grieve isn't acknowledged by themselves or others. Some tend to avoid or numb their grief. But grief must be acknowledged in order to heal. "You can't heal what you don't feel." After the stop each driver would be given a journal and encouraged to use it as a healthy outlet for their grief. Letter writing to someone who died can be very helpful. Lastly they would receive hot line numbers including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK and COP 2 COP,1-866-COP-2COP, a 24/7 helpline for NJ law enforcement officers and their families

My experience on the highway today made me reflect on the overwhelming amount of grief that police officers deal with in so many ways, day in and day out, that the public is often unaware of. As I imagined my DUIG highway stop, and enjoyed the vision of providing much needed support to those in need, I thought of how I would love to find ways to reach out to police officers. I think that thanking them, sharing a few words or even offering a smile is a start.

And...maybe I too was driving under the influence of grief, as I found myself missing my mother and feeling saddened as I thought about the impending loss of my wonderful cousin.

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2010-11-24T12:21:00.000-08:00

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Children Need A Caring Adult in Their Lives

2009-06-05T02:33:00.000-07:00

Childhood can be a full of fun, joy and freedom. Adults often look back and long for the "happy old days". However for many children today, childhood is full of uncertainty, grief and upset. Many of our children have to face the pain of such difficult things as parents divorcing or separating, illness in the family, death of a loved one, loss of home, deployment of a parent or sibling, loss of trust or innocence, domestic violence, addiction in the home, incarceration of a parent and so much more. Now more than ever, our children need adults who see them, listen to them, and take an real interest in them and their lives. What are the things most important to them now? What are they passionate about? What do they love spending their free time doing?

What can we do to help children through such difficult times? Research shows us time and again that one of the most important keys to resilience in a child's life is a caring adult. Really try to listen to children, acknowledge their pain, anger and fears. Answer their questions, both the ones spoken and not spoken. Be patient with them as they ask the same things over and over again. They learn to value themselves as we place value on them. Reassure them that they can get through even very tough times with the support of caring adults. Resilient adults often point to one adult who was there for them. This adult held great hope for the child, provided unconditional regard and maintained high, yet realistic expectations for the child. In other words they believed in the child and the child felt this. This could have been a teacher, parent, grandparent, neighbor, Big Brother or Big Sister, coach or someone from the child's religious organization.

Children need adults now more than ever before. We are living in a society that seems to suffer from ADD, or Adult Deficit Disorder. We are lacking caring and emotionally healthy adults who can care for, nurture and take an active interest in our children's lives. So often parents are not able to be there emotionally for their children for various reasons. There are a number of parents today who are working two jobs, or unemployed, exhausted, battling addictions, dealing with mental or physical illness, who are incarcerated, deployed or not present in their child's life. Our children are starved for adult attention. That is when other caring adults need to step in, and offer their time, hearts, eyes and ears to these children who crave the attention of an adult. This can be a neighbor, an aunt, a coach, a teacher, a scout leader or a store owner. Big Brothers and Big Sisters is a wonderful organization which provides caring mentors to these children who need someone on their side.

Children need to know that they matter to someone. They want to know that someone is crazy about them, who values them enough to spend time with them. I think that one of the reasons that children and even teens are so often tempted and even get involved on line with strangers, is that these strangers, many of whom may be dangerous predators, make it their job to build a relationship by taking an active interest in the child for their own gain. Predators make it their business to create a relationship and pay attention to the children they are "grooming". They ask questions and then remember the name of the team that the child was up against last Tuesday, and then later ask how the game went and how many innings did he get to pitch. Some ask about school work or specific teachers and comment later on a particular math test that the child took on Friday and how they did on the fraction part of the test. They ask the child about things that the child is interested in and they "seem" interested in and talk about such things. I believe they are able to "get " to our children because our children have a strong need and desire for adult attention that is positive, warm and unconditional. Our children need us to pay attention to them, spend time with them and see the great potential in each and everyone of them, no matter how much they may not be able to see it themselves. Grieving and hurting children may have a tough exterior to protect them from further hurt, but underneath it all they are in tremendous need of our love, attention and care.

Parents want to take an interest in their children, but often out of exhaustion, overwork, stress and the business of life, we get distracted and forget to ask about the small things that really matter to a child. Asking a child what the best part of his day was or the worst part can provide information that can lead to further discussion. Sometimes I suggest to busy parents that they do what one 93 year old great grandmother does. One day I was speaking to a group of people at an assisted living facility and this woman told me that all 8 of her great grandchildren and grandchildren keep in touch with her frequently. I asked her what she thought the reason was for that so that I could share it with others. She told me that for years she has always made sure to keep a small pad near the phone and when ever a "grand" calls she writes down notes about the conversation on a pad with their name on it. Later when she hears from that "grand" again she opens her pad to their page and is able to ask relevant and interesting questions about how the collage essay for the history honors class turned out, how his girlfriend, Amanda was, or how her trip to Chicago went. The kids are thrilled that Great Grandma always is aware of what is going on in their lives and she reaps the benefits of great relationships. I urge all of us to take an active interest in the life of a child. It can be the child of a parent who is unable to. Children need us and deserve our time, attention and love. Our children are our future.

Children, Immigration and Loss

2009-04-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Mary, my fourth grader, shared with me that her class was going to be having a new student, from another country, who didn't speak English. She wasn't sure what country the girl was from, but she was very excited. A few years ago, Mary's best friend had moved back to China and Mary was heartbroken. Mary and I talked about what it may be like for the new student, to be coming to a strange place, a new school, new children and not knowing the language. Mary imagined that she might be scared and nervous. I was surprised in a way that she didn't know what language the girl spoke, for I thought it would be nice for the children to all learn at least two words in the new girls' language to welcome her.

The big day came and as Mary stood in line with her class waiting for the bell, the new girl was nowhere in sight. I spoke with her classmates a bit in line and asked them how they thought they could be welcoming without knowing her language. They came up with a few ideas such as smiling, not staring at her, being a friend to her, and helping her in any way to feel like she belonged in the class. I thought that was wonderful that they came up with these great ideas. The bell rang, the children walked noisily into the building and I caught a glimpse of the new student with her family, which appeared to be a mom , dad, and grandparent. They shook hands with the kind and welcoming principal,and as I smiled at the older gentleman, I could almost feel him relax just a bit. Wow, they were turning their beloved child over to a strange school, with strange people and a strange language. I could almost feel their vulnerability.

As I drove home, I was thinking about all of the many families who have and continue to move away from one place to another, often very far from their family, home, school, work, neighborhood, friends, and familiar surroundings, and so often with the hope of a better life for their children. There is so much loss involved in moving from one country to the next. Pauline Boss in her fabulous book, Ambiguous Loss , writes about families who have left behind family, friends, memories and cultures. They often feel tremendous sadness and grief, yet have no one acknowledge their loss, including themselves. Boss talks about the grief that many immigrant parents feel as many of their children gradually want to speak the new language of the new country and almost feel embarrassed by their native language and their families"old" traditions and clothing, which may not be in line with the culture of their new friends.

My former husband came over to this country at the age of 14 from Greece, not knowing the language, and immediately started high school in Perth Amboy. I so often would think what it must have been like for him and his sister who was 16, to just jump right into school, barely knowing a few words to get by. He shared with me that it wasn't easy, and he was bullied a lot and found it a difficult transition. He turned to the television and the radio to learn a lot of the language. He also had to work a full time job to help support the family, after school, and so didn't have a lot of free time to learn the language, but it did keep him busy and relatively safe after school. He moved from a very small Greek island where everyone knew one another to a big city in NJ where his family didn't know anyone. They had tremendous loss and grief, which was not ever acknowledged. His father turned to drinking in an attempt to numb his grief. Although he was happy to come to the USA, he wished that the transition had been easier for him and his family.

I think as communities we need to find ways to make these losses less traumatic for families. According to Orozco and Orozco in their ground breaking book called Children of Immigration, there are things we can do in schools to make the transition easier. "The school's social climate or ethos is a very important quality. The principal needs to be a charasmatic leader who projects authority and exhibits a belief that all children, including immigrant children can learn and excel. The school's morale among teachers and staff needs to be high, without a lot of tension and conflict. The teachers and students need to have a relationship of mutual trust and appreciation. The school district needs to have adequate curriculum and training, as well as books and other supplies. Research has demonstrated that effective schools have: positive leadership and high staff morale, high academic expectations for all students regardless of background, a high value placed on children's cultures and languages, and a safe and orderly school environment."

We can place signs in schools welcoming students in multiple languages, we can prepare students in a classroom ahead of time about their new student. The classroom is like a family awaiting a new child. We can show the students where a child is from on the map and teach them a couple of welcoming words in the language, so that the new student feels a bit more at home. We can use this as a real life geography and social studies project and allow each child to share on the map where their families came from as well. We can form groups to help immigrant parents learn the English language, and find ways to support the new students, by using peer leaders who also are bilingual, as they will often need extra help to do the homework, especially if their parents are struggling themselves with the language. There is much we can do to be a welcoming community.

The more we learn about different cultures, the more we can come to find that, although we have different languages and customs, basically, we are more alike than different. Everyone is the same when it comes to experiencing grief after a loss . We may not express it the same, but the feelings of grief are felt in every language. As it has been said, grief is the great equalizer. Let us grow to be more compassionate human beings to ourselves as well as others, as each one of us is dealing with some type of loss. Well, this is day two and the girl seems to be doing alright and the kids have helped to make her feel welcomed. I still am at a loss as to what country the girl is from, as my daughter and her friend today both were still not sure nor do they know the language she speaks. I will find out from the teacher tomorrow, so that we can learn to speak a little bit of her language as she learns to speak ours. Maybe she will become Mary's good friend.

Children Grieve Too

2009-03-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

Grief is an expression of love. If a child can love, he or she can grieve. Children are used to having a full range of emotions. Think about a three year old throwing himself on the floor in the grocery store. He is angry and shows the world his feelings. Children know what it is to feel angry, sad, afraid, lonely and confused and have no difficulty expressing it. So why should children experiencing loss through death of a loved one, behave any differently.

Children have different responses to grief based on such things as: their relationship with the person who died, their understanding of death, their developmental level, the circumstances of the death, and the ability of the adults around them to be present, communicate and support them emotionally.

Some children want to talk about their loss all the time, others not at all, and many somewhere in between. Some won't talk about their loss until months or years later. Some children will only remember wonderful things about the person, others may hate them for leaving and abandoning them. Some children sob uncontrollably, while others appear to be without emotion. Some may even laugh and act uncaring. Some will feel guilt as they blame themselves for the death and may get themselves into trouble so that they can be punished. Some will blame others or God, the doctor, the funeral director or family members. Anger is a common emotion in grief. We can listen and help children find healthy outlets for their anger, such as writing, drawing, talking, music, art, exercise, ripping up old phone books, or punching a punching bag.

Children grieve in spurts. They can only be with intense feelings for a short duration before needing distractions or breaks. A child may cry or be angry and then want to go out and play ball and laugh. Children's reactions are all different. Grief does not move through stages nor is there a timetable. Children also don't want people to feel sorry for them or to treat them differently. Children often act out their grief through their behavior more than through words.

Sometimes well meaning adults say unhelpful and hurtful things to grieving children such as, "Be strong. Don't cry. You are now the man of the house. It is time you move on." This only adds to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even shame for the child".

It is helpful to allow children to cry. Sobbing can even help children express their despair,as they move from shock into realization that their loved one will not be returning. Adults can model healthy grieving and mourning. It is okay to cry in front of children. Many families say the most connected they felt to each other was when they all cried together. Learning to grieve together, yet as individuals in each person's own time, own way and own style is important.

Rabbi Earl Grollman, author of Bereaved Children and Teens wrote," Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity- the price you pay for love." Adults need to companion children on their grief journey's and to grant young people permission and safety to grieve and together find healthy ways to mourn.

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Grief is No Cliche

2009-03-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

When we don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a loss, we may be tempted to turn to an old, worn-out cliche. Unfortunately, in our attempt to be helpful, we may wind up saying something hurtful and leave the person feeling more pain or frustration. Sometimes we say nothing out of fear of saying the wrong thing, and then the person is left feeling more alone, and wondering how we can act like nothing happened. After a loss the griever needs to adjust to a "new normal" and can greatly benefit from caring words, a hug and our presence.

Here are some common phrases that participants in my workshops have shared with me that they hear all too often and do not find comforting at all.

"I know how you feel." No, you do not know how they feel. You don't really know how anyone else feels. This statement only makes grievers feel angry and may even shut them down from sharing their true feelings with you. Everyone has his or her own experiences and feelings. Even if you also had a similar loss, you still should not tell someone that you know how they feel. Simply listen, acknowledge their feelings and be with them as a supportive presence.

"It's God's Will" This may be your belief but you don't know what the griever believes and even if he or she believes that, at this time it may not be a comforting comment. Although many people turn to their faith during times of loss, many do share a time of questioning and a time of losing faith or feeling angry at God. The book by Rabbi Harold Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, is a great book at this time. Keep this thought to yourself and listen to where the person is right now.

"Your loved one is in a better place" I think this statement has made many people angry and very upset more than not. I know people who have lost children who want to scream, "the child's best place was with me!!!!" Children also find this difficult to understand how their mom or dad would leave them alone to be in a better place without them. They wonder if they failed in making this a good enough place.

"You should be happy that your loved one isn't suffering anymore" The griever knows the person is no longer suffering, however the griever is the one now suffering. This statement can lead a griever to feel guilty and selfish for wanting the person to have stayed longer with them. Again, best to say how sorry you are that they are in so much pain and then just listen.

"You have to be strong" This is often said to children and to adults caring for children. Young children are told to be strong for their parents and parents are told to be strong for their children. This often leads to difficulty with sharing grief and interferes with the normal healing that would take place if people had permission to grieve. Many people feel anything but strong after a loved one has died and find it hard enough to make it through each hour and each day. Now they need to worry about being strong. What is strong anyway? Does it mean not to shed tears, not to be sad or at least not to show feelings? This can be very damaging and may actually impede the normal grieving and healing process. It also may imply that no one will be there to support them in their pain and sorrow, so need to be strong.

"Keep your chin up" When all a person may want to do is cry, scream, yell, sob, or collapse, they don't need someone smiling and telling them to stop all of their emotion and just carry on as before. This person's life will never be the same. They are adjusting to their new normal and showing true grief feelings now feels like you are letting those around you down who want and need you to keep a stiff upper lip.

"You had many great years together. You should be grateful". Many grievers would give anything to have more time with their loved one. Grateful is the last thing they may be feeling and being told how they should feel is the last thing a griever needs. There are also people who did not have great years and we should never assume that people had a great relationship. Some people had an abusive relationship that on the outside looked wonderful, but they actually lived a secret life. These folks are left now to feel more alone and isolated. A great book about those who feel more relieved after a loss is Liberating Losses by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle.

Remember sometimes the best things to say is, "I'm sorry for your loss". "I am here to listen". Many grievers remember those who just were present, said little, but something, shared memories, and gave a hug, a meal or their time. Give those around you permission to grieve in their own time and in their own way and they will grant you the same when your time comes to grieve.

We Make Time for a Funeral but not for Coffee

2009-03-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

"Sorry, but I don't have any time to meet you for coffee next week, but I do know that if you were to die next week, I would make the time for your funeral. So, as long as you are still alive next week, I would have to say no."

Of course we don't actually say these words to our loved ones, friends and co-workers, but we do often live like this.

One day I was doing my daily morning reading of the obituaries, and I was struck by the thought that most of the time, we only have a day or two notice, if that, to find out about a death of someone we knew. Maybe we read it in the paper, or get a phone call or email. We respond immediately by clearing our busy schedules on our calendars and blackberries so that we can be available to be there. Nothing seems more urgent and important than to attend a funeral of someone we care about.

I find it facinating, that we, a society of chronically busy people, who pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task, can and often do, drop everything for a funeral, a wake, a service or a shiva call. However if our friend or loved one is alive and asks us to share a cup of coffee, a bit of time with us, we often decline saying , "Sorry, I would love to, but I am way too busy. Let's do it another time."

Being in the grief field has made me more appreciative of life and very aware that we never know how much time we have left with anyone in our life.. Each time I listen to a griever, I am reminded of the preciousness of each moment. I ask myself , 'if this was my last day, what do I need to say to the people I love and care for?' Am I doing what really matters or am I just busy?

A wonderful speaker who does hospice work, shared with me once that he kept putting off a bike trip with her adult brother. Two years it took for them to plan a time when both busy men could meet. Finally the brothers planned a date in July to meet out west and spend two weeks out west biking together. They put it on their calendars. Well, sadly and tragically, my friend's brother was killed in a house fire two weeks before their bike trip. They never got to take thier trip. My friend Doug, keeps his "bike trip" July calendar page on his wall, years now, as a reminder that life is precious and not to put off spending time with people who we care about. Please think about the people in your own life who have asked you for some time and you told them that you were too busy. Imagine if we all could learn to view coffee dates, visits and even phone calls to say hello, with the same urgency and importance as we do funerals. We could all lead much richer lives, with more love and have more memories and less regrets to share when we do attend the funeral.