Permission to Grieve When Your Child Goes Away to College

I wrote this blog originally back in 2011 when my oldest was going off to college for the first time.  She is now 28 and recently got married. Like when our children go away to college, marriage is another life transition in which  parents and siblings (and children) may sometimes experience with mixed emotions. Even the happiest of life transitions may also bring with them feelings associated with the grief of letting go of how things were.  Since 2011, I have been fortunate enough to have all four of my children go away to college and yet I have also experienced some levels of grief each time. This blog has been shared annually all around the country via colleges, high school PTA's and it is quite popular on The Patch.

 I have received hundreds of emails over the past seven years from parents who thanked me for articulating what they felt. I have read long notes from fathers who said they felt better knowing they were not alone as they were the only one who was crying and moping around after their child left to school. Single moms wrote to me thanking me and sharing their own stories and asking me why there are no support groups for those like them who suddenly find themselves feeling so lonely and lost as they had often been so close to their child.  Many have asked me to write a book on this topic.  In quite a few emails, the parent who wrote to me said that they identified with many of the feelings I shared in my blog and they themselves knew they were grieving yet their spouse was not, leaving them to feel alone and almost ashamed of their feelings. 

I think I will write a whole series of Permission to Grieve blogs on different topics. If you have any particular topics in mind you would like to see a Permission to Grieve blog written on please share below in the comment section. Thank you. 

I remember four years ago August very clearly. The focus was on my oldest daughter Carly going off to college. She was only going an hour away to Monmouth University, but I still felt sad that she wouldn't be living at home anymore. Don't get me wrong; I also felt happy, proud and excited as well, but the grief was the emotion that I was feeling the strongest. I realized during that summer and fall the importance of listening to others when they share their sadness over changes in their lives.

I truly needed someone to listen to me but had trouble finding people who would truly just listen. Instead, when I did share about my feelings of grief, most people were not at all supportive and even looked at me strangely and said with a judgmental tone, "Aren't you happy for her?", "Isn't her going to college a good thing?", "I couldn't wait til mine left." I walked away from most of these interactions feeling unheard, frustrated, and feeling that that there was something wrong with me. After all there are commercials on TV showing parents pretending to be sad when the kids leave home and then jumping for joy and throwing parties. So what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I only feel happy and thrilled at this wonderful opportunity for Carly? I guess I wasn't supposed to be sad or at the very least I wasn't supposed to talk about it.

So I stopped telling others how I felt. I also vowed to become a better comforter of others when they shared with me any sadness or pain in their lives. I also wanted to teach others how to really listen to their friends, loved ones and co-workers when they shared anything emotional. I would remind them not to try to fix it or to be so quick to offer advice. Just listen and try to understand. It isn't hard to really listen, but it is a skill that we would all benefit from practicing. I wish that listening was taught in school. Our relationships would improve immensely.

Grief is not only due to a death or divorce, but grief can come from any type of separation, ending or change in our lives. I found myself comparing my loss to other's losses. As a grief counselor, I warn folks not to do this. I shamed myself when I thought of all of those I know who have lost a child through death and knew that this loss could not even come close. Minimizing my loss though didn't help. My grief felt like an ending. It was the beginning of the end of my experience of being the kind of mom as I had been for the past 17 years. It was the beginning of my children becoming independent and not needing me in the same way as they had before. I know that is what is supposed to happen and all about giving our children roots and wings, but knowing that didn't make if feel any better.

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I loved having all of my kids home and around. I don't think that will ever change. I am one who wishes there could be a law that if family gets along then our siblings have to return to live in the same town so that cousins can live near each other. I know quite a few families in Springfield whose children are all in this town and the cousins even go to school together and grandparents are able to be very involved in their day to day lives. It is wonderful to see. I can appreciate that as my younger brother lives in Illinois and we only see his family once a year. I wish that young adult children could get jobs that were close by their family and at the very least live in the same state. However I know that with today's economy that doesn't always happen. One woman told me "Today you are lucky if your kids live in the same country as you since quite a few of them get jobs in far away places." Her son works in China. I immediately thought of my first cousin who lives in Amsterdam with his family. We miss him so much.

Then I started to wonder about other parents. Weren't they sad as well? How can we live with our children for 17, 18 or 19 years and then drop them off at college without us experiencing any feelings of grief? I came up with many ideas: Maybe some didn't really like being with their kids. Maybe some were denying their true feelings of sadness or just pretended they were "fine". Maybe some were truly anxious to get back to their own lives that didn't involve their children as much. Whatever it was, I wanted to find the other parents who felt like me. I was on a mission. I even ran a workshop in town four years ago called: They're Excited About Going Away to College, But What About Us? About ten moms attended the workshop and it was great to share with each other.

Over the past four years I have spoken with many moms and dads who have shared their own grief with me about their children leaving home. Often with couples, it is one parent who expresses sadness more than the other. Some confide to me that it is their own spouse who "shamed them" about their feelings of grief, especially if the dad was grieving.

I recently had the pleasure of meeting a Navy Seal dad at a Long Island AAU basketball tournament, who shared with me that of all the experiences he has had in his life, including that of a Seal, nothing was as hard as dropping his oldest daughter off to college last year and saying goodbye. He told me how he cried the whole drive back. He has five children and is already grieving about his second child who is a high school senior who will be going away next year. I felt such a sense of validation from this kind father's honest sharing. It helped me to feel better about my own feelings. Sometimes just talking to others who feel similarly to the way we feel can help enormously. We don't feel so alone and we feel a bit more "normal".

Anyway, if you are a parent who has a child going away to college and you feel sad, find people who will listen to you and show comfort. Allow yourself to feel the grief. Don't talk yourself out of how you feel. Many parents have found support on Facebook.  "Pack lots of tissues" one mom said in a post to another who shared that they were on their way to college.

It really does get easier, although I will confess that each year she packed up and left I cried. One time Carly said, "Mom, I am a senior at college. We have been through this many times. Why do you still cry when I leave?" "I don't know", I sniffled, "I just miss you." I guess it's love or neurosis, but that is who I am. I know I will cry when my younger ones leave the nest as well, but at least they all know how I get, so it won't be a surprise to them. Who knows maybe it makes them realize just how much they are loved. I hope so.

"I wish I could freeze time or go back in time and watch my kids grow up all over again because it is just going by too fast." ~ Robert Rodriguez 

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: Me too." ~ Brene Brown

Take care and be kind, patient and gentle with yourself no matter what you are going through. Give yourself permission to feel it all without judging any of it. Find healthy ways to express your feelings, perhaps get involved with helping in  your community and find ways to connect with others.  For more information on other loss situations and coping with grief, please check out my website at www.griefspeaks.com 

Lisa