Grief Speaks Blog

Grief is an expression of love. If a child can love, he or she can grieve. Children are used to having a full range of emotions. Think about a three year old throwing himself on the floor in the grocery store. He is angry and shows the world his feelings. Children know what it is to feel angry, sad, afraid, lonely and confused and have no difficulty expressing it. So why should children experiencing loss through death of a loved one, behave any differently. Children have different responses to grief based on such things as: their relationship with the person who died, their understanding of death, their developmental level, the circumstances of the death, and the ability of the adults around them to be present, communicate and support them emotionally. Some children want to talk about their loss all the time, others not at all, and many somewhere in between. Some won't talk about their loss until months or years later. Some children will only remember wonderful things about the pe

When we don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a loss, we may be tempted to turn to an old, worn-out cliche. Unfortunately, in our attempt to be helpful, we may wind up saying something hurtful and leave the person feeling more pain or frustration. Sometimes we say nothing out of fear of saying the wrong thing, and then the person is left feeling more alone, and wondering how we can act like nothing happened. After a loss the griever needs to adjust to a "new normal" and can greatly benefit from caring words, a hug and our presence. Here are some common phrases that participants in my workshops have shared with me that they hear all too often and do not find comforting at all. "I know how you feel." No, you do not know how they feel. You don't really know how anyone else feels. This statement only makes grievers feel angry and may even shut them down from sharing their true feelings with you. Everyone has his or her own experiences and feeling

"Sorry, but I don't have any time to meet you for coffee next week, but I do know that if you were to die next week, I would make the time for your funeral. So, as long as you are still alive next week, I would have to say no." Of course we don't actually say these words to our loved ones, friends and co-workers, but we do often live like this. One day I was doing my daily morning reading of the obituaries, and I was struck by the thought that most of the time, we only have a day or two notice, if that, to find out about a death of someone we knew. Maybe we read it in the paper, or get a phone call or email. We respond immediately by clearing our busy schedules on our calendars and blackberries so that we can be available to be there. Nothing seems more urgent and important than to attend a funeral of someone we care about. I find it facinating, that we, a society of chronically busy people, who pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task, can and often do, drop ever