Children Need A Caring Adult in Their Lives

Childhood can be a full of fun, joy and freedom. Adults often look back and long for the "happy old days".  However for many children today, childhood is full of uncertainty, grief and upset. Many of our children have to face the pain of such difficult things as parents divorcing or separating, illness in the family, death of a loved one, loss of home, deployment of a parent or sibling, loss of trust or innocence,  domestic violence, addiction in the home, incarceration of a parent and so much more. Now more than ever, our children need adults who see them, listen to them, and take an real interest in them and their lives. What are the things most important to them now? What are they passionate about? What do they love spending their free time doing?

What can we  do to help children through such difficult times? Research shows us time and again that one of the most important keys to resilience in a child's life is a caring adult. Really try to listen to children, acknowledge their pain, anger and fears. Answer their questions, both the ones spoken and not spoken. Be patient with them as they ask the same things over and over again. They learn to value themselves as we place value on them.  Reassure them that they can get through even very tough times with the support of caring adults. Resilient adults often point to one adult who was there for them. This adult held great hope for the child, provided unconditional regard and maintained high, yet realistic expectations for the child. In other words they believed in the child and the child felt this.  This could have been a teacher, parent, grandparent, neighbor, Big Brother or Big Sister, coach or someone from the child's religious organization. 

Children need adults now more than ever before. We are living in a society that seems to suffer from ADD, or Adult Deficit Disorder. We are lacking caring and emotionally healthy adults who can care for, nurture and take an active  interest in our children's lives.  So often parents are not able to be there emotionally for their children for various reasons. There are a number of parents today who are working two jobs, or unemployed,  exhausted, battling addictions, dealing with mental or physical illness, who are incarcerated, deployed or not present in their child's life. Our children are starved for adult attention. That is when other caring adults need to step in, and offer their time, hearts, eyes and ears to these children who crave the attention of an adult. This can be a neighbor, an aunt, a coach, a teacher, a scout leader or a store owner. Big Brothers and Big Sisters is a wonderful organization which provides caring mentors to these children who need someone on their side. 

Children need to know that they matter to someone. They want to know that someone is crazy about them, who values  them enough to spend time with them. I think that one of the reasons that children and even teens are so often tempted and even get involved on line with strangers, is that these strangers, many of whom may be dangerous predators, make it their job to build a relationship by taking an active interest in the child for their own gain.  Predators  make it their business to create a relationship and pay attention to the children they are "grooming".   They ask questions and then remember the name of the team that the child was up against last Tuesday,  and then later ask how the game went and how many innings did he get to pitch.  Some  ask about school work or specific teachers and comment later on a particular math test that the child took on Friday and how they did on the fraction part of the test.  They ask the child about things that the child is interested in and they "seem" interested in and  talk about such things.  I believe they are able to "get " to  our children because our children have a strong need and desire for adult attention that is positive, warm and unconditional. Our children need us to pay attention to them, spend time with them and see the great potential in each and everyone of them, no matter how much they may not be able to see it themselves. Grieving and hurting children may have a tough exterior to protect them from further hurt, but underneath it all they are in tremendous  need of our  love, attention and care.  

Parents want to take an interest in their children, but often out of exhaustion, overwork, stress and the business of life, we get distracted and  forget to ask about the small things that really matter to a child. Asking a child what the best part of his day was or the worst part can provide information that can lead to further discussion.  Sometimes I suggest to busy parents that they do what one 93 year old great grandmother does.  One day I was speaking to a group of people at an assisted living facility and this woman told me that all 8 of her great grandchildren and grandchildren keep in touch with her frequently. I asked her what she thought the reason was for that so that I could share it with others.  She told me that for years she has always made sure to keep a small pad near the phone and when ever a "grand" calls she writes down notes about the conversation on a pad with their name on it. Later when she hears from that "grand"  again she opens her  pad to their page and is able to ask relevant and interesting questions about how the collage essay for the history honors class turned out, how his girlfriend, Amanda was, or how her trip to Chicago went.  The kids are thrilled that Great Grandma always is aware of what is going on in their lives and she reaps the benefits of great relationships. I urge all of us to take an active interest in the life of a child. It can be the child of a parent who is unable to. Children need us and deserve our time, attention and love.  Our children are our future.